LEAVE IDIBIA ALONE!
LEAVE IDIBIA ALONE
My lord, my name is barrister Busybody and I stand before this honourable court to defend my client Mr. Innocent Idibia. I’m in love with women. And when i say so, I mean- not just my wife and my mother and sisters alone. I mean, I love good-looking, smart and confident women. You know, those kind of women that make we men flip through THISDAY Style every Sunday, our adrenalin rushing and hearts beating fast as we regret that phone numbers are not included in the profiles or captions. See, it’s been proven – if you’re a sophisticated modern man, who knows what time it is; and is on top of his game, there are just some things you must be at home with: for example, dressing well must come easy to you. You must like the pleasure of good wine. You must care a lot about the kind of car you drive. You must be passionate about keeping fit. And, guess what? You must appreciate beautiful women, have a couple of them on your speed dial, and know what to do with (or to) them if you ever get the opportunity…(I mustn’t forget to add, your honour, that it helps to have a nice home, in a nice area of town, even if you’re not the one that pays the rent. Plus, you should have some cash at your disposal too…) And, quite naturally, if you pass the test, it’s only normal that the ladies gravitate towards you. Ask Julius Agwu. Ask Kris Okotie. Ask Richard Mofe-Damijo. Ask Basketmouth. Ask Sammie Okposo. Ask D.Banj. Ask 2face Idibia! So, if we all like, love, lust after and respect beautiful women that much, why then has everyone with a mouth used it these past weeks to castigate poor innocent 2face Idibia? What if he has dated Vien Tetsola, Nkechi Okoli, Caroline Ekanem, Cath Taylor, Kemi Olisaemeka, Annie Macauley, Sumbo Ajaba and Pero Adeniyi? What if he has two kids from two different women, and is expecting another three? What if the results of his ‘sexcapades’ have revealed that in spite of his safe sex campaign for Soundcity, he still doesn’t use condoms? For God’s sake, what if? My client has shown that with success, anything can happen. When he first set foot on Lagos in 1997, I doubt if the most naïve girl on his street would have given him a chance. Yet, few years later, his charm was blossoming, and he was already preparing to share his God-given gift with any daughter of eve he found so deserving. Now, barely 11 years later, movie stars, female singers, politicians’ wives, celebrities and multitudes of undergraduates want to bed him. They’re forming a long queue, and those that have had a taste of the pudding are returning to the queue – like Oliver Twist, they’re begging for more. This minute, they’re excited, harmless fans. Next minute, they’re buzzing his phone (‘I just thought to say ‘hi’’). One week later, they’re already wondering why they haven’t missed their periods, conducting DIY pregnancy tests, and preparing to join the Association of 2face’s Baby Mamas (A2BM). Unfortunately, many are called. Few are chosen. And right now, at least, to the best of my knowledge, the three lucky pioneer members of A2BM are Sumbo Ajaba (let’s call her baby mama 1), Pero Adeniyi (baby mama 2) and Annie Macauley (baby mama to be). And, instead of pitying the poor guy, for the pressure of managing three selfish, damanding lovers, we’re all asking for his head, just because he’s not ‘being a good role model’. Tell me, is the guy’s job to be a ‘good role model’ or a ‘good singer’? and if indeed he’s not being a ‘good role model’, is he not followingthe footsteps of his predecessors KWAM 1, KSA, Sir Shina Peters and all others who have enough women and kids to fill a molue bus? Two Sundays back, he was forced away from his computer game, to attend the birthday ceremony of baby mama 1’s son Nino (at Chrisland School, Ikeja, Lagos). The pictures from that event were so splashed in the papers that it must have robbed him of at least a handful of potential female fan-friends. Then the follwing Friday, he’s invited to Dinner at the home of Baby mama 2 in Anthony village, Lagos. Gisting with baby mama 2’s pop, and enjoying the rich banquet, it must have been a nice evening until he left the house around 11pm only to be confronted by robbers who made away with his Range Rover Sports minutes later. (By the way, how come robbers have no other business these days than to rob 2face? Can’t they just leave him alone for once and go after Psquare or D’banj or Olu ? Even his colleague Ruggedman has said they should leave the poor boy alone and go after other people…) Still, Baby mama 1 is very very heavy, expecting to put to bed anytime soon. Baby mama 2 is nearing her expected delivery date too. And baby mama-to-be? He doesn’t even know if she’s still carrying the baby, or if, like wicked busy bodies are saying, he’s actually the ‘father’ of the unborn baby. Now, instead of sitting back at home and writing new songs, instead of plotting his entry into the international market, instead of enjoying all the fortune music has brought his way, the poor lad is busy calculating delivery dates, consulting with baby mamas, trying to appease their families, and telling himself over and over again that he needs to employ a DNA test specialist full time. Yet many more girls are visiting their pastors, praying for the young man to look their way. See, If Idibia can’t shut his eyes or zip us his trousers, can’t the sisters just live him alone? And you’d better not say it’s his fault that all these girls are becoming overnight members of A2BM. If 2face cannot afford to buy a condom, or just never remembers to put it on, why can’t baby mama 1, baby mama2 and baby mama-to-be take charge? Or since when did female contraceptives go out of fashion? I think Idibia’s undoing is that he is in love with women. His lyrics openly say so. Perhaps it’s because his mother never had a female child, or maybe he was a monk in his previous life. (Un) fortunately for him, the women like him in return. In fact, they like him more than he can ever like them. Just as they liked RMD. Just as they like D’Banj. Infact, D’Banj, a bonafide sex symbol, has a community of ‘kokolets’ at his beck and call. He’s either a staunch believer in abstinence, or, he must have a regular supply of contraceptives from his community of ‘kokolets’. So you see, it’s all not just Idibia’s fault. I think this court needs to tell the robbers to stop chasing him around. We need to beg the girls to get off his case (can’t they go after Lord of Ajasa, Baba Fryo, and Blackface instead?). And we need to get the society for family health to open a contraceptive store inside his bedroom. Mr Idibia is just an Innocent victim that needs help. And I hope that this honourable court will tender justice with mercy. Let he who is a saint amongst us pass the death sentence. I rest my case!